Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Why brush your teeth when there's gum?

Sometimes making it out of the house on time requires sacrificing a few things. Like hygiene. And beauty. You could, for example, skip the shower. And while you're at it, don't bother brushing your hair. Just pull it back with an elastic and ball it up in one of those fake messy buns. Tres chic. Don't bother putting on your makeup, but do take a few minutes to tweeze your mustache. When the baby has dumped all of the cotton balls onto the floor for the third time, it's time to move on. Dress yourself. Dress the baby. Stuff your makeup into a bag. Grab the baby, your half-empty coffee cup, your iPhone and the makeup bag and carry them downstairs. Feed yourself. Feed the baby. Pack the baby's food for the day. Don't pack food for yourself. Look at the clock and see that you should have left 10 minutes ago. Also, notice that you're not wearing socks. Running back upstairs will eat up precious seconds that you don't have. Fuck the socks. Jam your bare feet into your rain boots and throw a pair of flats into your bag, along with your makeup and your iPhone. Wrestle the baby into his jacket. Grab the baby, your bag and the baby's bag and carry them to the door. Wonder if there is water in the dog's bowl. Put down the baby, your bag and the baby's bag and run into the kitchen to check the bowl. Which is already full. Grab the baby, your bag and the baby's bag and run out to the car, taking care to look calm and un-frazzled. Wonder what is up with this weird thing you have about not wanting the neighbors to think you are frazzled. Wrestle baby into car seat, start the car, and pop a piece of gum out of the blister pack.

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